I missed several days posting last week partly because LiveJournal was very unreliable, apparently suffering through yet another denial of service attack and then needing time to fix things. So LiveJournal was up and down a lot. But I was also feeling down a lot, and just didn't want to write anything. Same old problems, nothing new to say. As of Sunday I'm feeling in better spirits, basically just pulling out of the slump without having made any changes, but of course I still need to take care of things.
I watched an interesting TED Talk recently in which the speaker pointed out that studies have shown that people who announce their goals tend to be less likely to work toward and achieve them; apparently there's a common trait that talking about plans creates a feeling of having done something, and as a result people don't feel as compelled to follow through with them. So that was interesting to consider in light of my monthly list of things to do. At least at first, listing them out did give that feeling that I was at least facing my tasks and holding myself accountable, but in practice it never helped me get anything done and ultimately I think just contributed even more to wanting to avoid them; the ones I least wanted to deal with poisoned the others that I felt weren't as important and therefore should be put off in favor of the important ones.
There's a Frog and Toad Are Friends story in which Toad makes a list of things he's going to do that day, feels good about it as he crosses them off the list, but then he accidentally loses the list and is so despondent that he refuses to do anything else for the rest of the day, only feeling better at the end when he remembers the last item was "go to sleep" and he can still accomplish that. I think I'm being very Toadish.
I need less list-making and less talking, and more doing. But knowing that and saying that hasn't yet helped me with doing that. Habits are hard to break. Fears are hard to overcome. And yet.