April 25th, 2008

Bauhaus babe blues

Last night I was browsing online personals, and I found someone who looked pretty cute and seemed pretty cool, and I actually went ahead and sent her a message right away rather than putting it off indefinitely as I tend to do. I then found someone else that I'd been communicating with in the fall, who'd never got back to me about a tentative date we planned, and I discovered that she'd updated her profile with a general apology for being too busy and not responding to people's emails. I figured I had nothing to lose by trying to get back in touch, so I dropped her a brief note too. I'm hoping to hear back from at least one of them, we'll see.

So this evening, after hanging out with Tony for the afternoon, I figured I'd come to Bauhaus Books & Coffee (which bizarrely has no website of its own, that's the Citysearch profile) to get some work done. I've been at home a lot lately, and haven't been working too well there. When I'm out somewhere, I'm more inclined to feel I have to get a certain amount of work done before I can head home for dinner or whatever. In the hours I've been here, there've been a large number of startingly attractive women coming in or even just walking by outside. And it's made me feel mopey and surly, first pitying myself for being alone here on a Friday night and then annoyed with myself for being so lame and self-pitying.

Interestingly, it's been a while since I've really felt that way, a while in which I haven't been thinking as much about meeting people and dating. I had decided to drop my HurryDate membership, as I'd been increasingly dissatisfied with their events and felt I'd be better off to take a break from them, and maybe try to find a different speed dating service. So I canceled that in mid-February before it renewed. I also wasn't browsing the online personals much, checking in more to cross-post concert reviews in one of them than to look for matches. I've also been alternately busy or else avoiding dealing with some tasks, and when I get into avoidance mode on one thing I tend to start avoiding lots of things. All of that seems to have taken my mind off fretting over loneliness so much. (Have no doubt, there's still been some fretting.) Apparently, simply trying to reach out to someone is enough to bring it all back in sharp relief.

I wish I found it easier to let go of that and just do something else. I've been thinking about a few gaming-related projects recently, or even just playing a computer game, and there are other ways I could be occupying my time as well. But it's hard to break out of the inertia of moping, or the inertia of avoidance - which involves spending hours aimlessly poking about on the Internet - and do more constructive things. Meh.

On a positive note, I managed to avoid tax evasion. I got my taxes done on time, and fortunately I did not have to pay a penalty although I failed to submit any quarterly estimated tax payments last year. I also had enough money on hand to cover what I owed, due in part to a good February for work and in part to relying on my credit cards for purchases over the past few months. That does mean my credit card debt's bumped back up again, which is annoying. However, at the end of January I agreed to a part-time retainer arrangement with one of my clients, so I now have a reliable level of income again but still have freedom and flexibility to work with other clients as well. With the retainer income, I should be able to finally clear up the credit card debt for good, and then get the next step of my dental implant work done. I've also made adjustments to put aside some money each month to cover and pay my estimated taxes this year so I won't be in trouble next year.

So if I could just get off my mopey ass and make some effort to deal with things, I might actually start going places and meet people. There's so much I could do if I'd just do it...

(...man! there are some gorgeous women on Capitol Hill...)