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Earlier | Later

"How Soon Is Now?"*

My primary reason to go out dancing is to have fun dancing. I enjoy the music and I enjoy moving to it.

As I said in the previous post, I'm not an extrovert. I don't like approaching strangers and trying to strike up a conversation, unless I have a really good obvious reason to talk to someone. I know that and I'm nominally okay with that, it's just how I am. So although I recognize that it'd be good to meet more people and therefore that is a secondary reason why I've been going out dancing, I don't go out with any determination that I have to meet someone. I'm not pressuring myself to approach people, I don't feel guilty about not making more direct effort to meet people.

I don't expect to meet people. I don't expect strangers to talk to me—and I'm always surprised when they do. 

Dancing can be interactive, and I do hope when I'm dancing near some attractive woman that she might take notice of me and dance with me. But I rarely know whether someone wants to dance with me; a simple friendly smile is just that, it's not necessarily any kind of invitation for more interaction, so the woman has to really obviously take the initiative or else I'll just keep dancing on my own, maybe sort of playing up to her but making no overt moves. And I don't really know how to dance with someone, either, so the few times someone has looked me straight in the eye and started dancing in my direction, I've almost always been at a loss for what to do. (I did do fine last year dancing with someone I met while out at a show, but in that case she'd initiated conversation first and it was clear she wanted my attention.)

Though I may be hopeful that I'll get to dance with someone and though sometimes I do get some interaction, I never expect that that's going to lead to conversation, let alone anything like exchanging phone numbers or taking someone home with me.

So, if I go out dancing with so little expectation of anything but having fun dancing on my own, why is it that shortly after the evening's done and I'm headed home, I fall into a funk of dejection? Why am I cranky and unhappy? Why do I feel my loneliness so keenly? Why does this seem to be becoming a part of the experience of going out dancing?

I'm really looking forward to Decibel Festival this week. I've been looking forward to it for months. But I'm concerned that I'm going to have this dejection hitting me each night, and that I'm really not going to enjoy the event after all.

*Note: I did not actually come home and cry and want to die. But those lines are just too apt for me to not reference the song. Also, writing this out has the usual effect of making me feel somewhat better—I'm not sure if it's self-deprecation as such, but I do tend to start feeling amused by my pathos, I just can't take it seriously for long. Still, I do feel dejected and lonely and it does suck. So tired of it.


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