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wondering

I began my previous post stating that my burst of anxiety about my precarious home mortgage situation was sudden and caused by no particular reason. Somewhat later in the evening, as I was telling a friend about it, I remembered that I had good news too, about having a new client for my freelance work—in fact, they'd already contacted me on Friday evening, just after normal work hours, to ask whether I could possibly do a short rush job this weekend, which I did this (Saturday) afternoon. So it occurred to me, perhaps what caused the sudden burst of anxiety was the very fact that I did now have confirmation that I had a new source of work.

This is not to say that my anxiety is just some perverse reaction to a positive change; my situation is indeed dire and I should've faced it with enough will to do something about it much sooner. I'm just wondering whether it's that improvement in one part of my situation that threw the other problem into sudden sharp relief.

Also of note, although anxiety is certainly the appropriate term for my sudden concern and fear, I did not actually suffer an anxiety/panic attack. Actually, what may be more of a problem is how fatalistic I felt, instead, thinking well crap, I'm screwed. It's going to be that much harder to find a solution if I already believe there's nothing I can do about the problem. But when the root of my problem is that I've lacked reliable sufficient income to keep making ends meet, and that with my current work situation I have no way of knowing even month-to-month whether I will be earning enough, I don't see how I'm going to convince another lender that I'm a viable investment.

Humph. I suppose I'll just have my anxiety attack in a little bit, when I try to go to bed.

Edit to add: I forgot to include another thought I had earlier this evening, which is that the truth is, I've been living beyond my means ever since buying the condo. The hope and expectation was that my means would expand, but the fact is that my means seriously contracted along with the rest of the economy.

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