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go speed dater

The speed dating event actually happened! Tuesday evening I went down to O'Asian for a HurryDate event. This one was for men 35-45, women 30-40, and is the one my reservation was transferred to after the first event I signed up for was cancelled.

After checking in, I found an empty table to sit at, and then noted with amusement as other people showed up that all the men, except a couple guys who seemed to already be friends, chose to sit by themselves at empty tables, while the women grouped together at a couple tables. Apparently this time they actually had a balanced number of men and women signed up, but ultimately ten men and only seven women showed up. This was the first event held at O'Asian, and the woman running this event speculated that the missing people might have gone to the regular venue, ToST. Although the genders were unbalanced, they did not cancel the evening at this point but went ahead, and also promised to send us a code to register for another event for free.

As we were getting ready to begin, the organizer had the women disperse to various tables before she explained how the evening would work. This struck me as a bit unfair: the starting couples had an extra five minutes or so to chat before the event officially began, and with the gender imbalance, that meant a few of the guys did not get that extra time with anyone. I was ruefully amused that no one chose to sit at my table to start, although I think I happened to be at a table the organizer did not designate as a starting table, and also I recognize that I'm just not immediately attractive.

The tables were labeled with letters; the women stayed at the first table they sat at, while the men moved from table to table in sequence. We had five minutes for each "date"; the organizer blew a whistle to signal the end of each and make the men move. I found that the guy ahead of me tended to linger and keep chatting, which was a little annoying but I didn't let it get to me. Because of the imbalance, I sat at an empty table three times, but this made for a nice chance to reflect and jot down notes on the women I'd talked to so far.

All of the women were pleasant-looking; no one was stunning but no one was unattractive either. They were generally easy to talk to, as well. I found that the most awkwardness came with the women who did not lead off the conversation, though it was never more than a brief stumbling moment to get things started. The two women who I thought were the cutest also were the ones I found the most engaging and interesting, which may or may not be coincidental.

Each person is assigned a number and has a scorecard. You write down each person's name next to their number in your card as you go on dates, and after each date you circle Y or N on your scorecard to indicate whether you think you'd like to go on another date with them. Then after the event, you put your responses in a form on the HurryDate site, and after a day or so the site lets you know which if any of your "yeses" also said yes to you.

I felt the two cute ones were strong yeses, another two were weak yeses, and the remaining three were weak noes - I wouldn't turn them down, but I hadn't felt much interest or compatibility between us. I decided that because I did not feel strongly opposed to seeing any of them again, I should put yes as my response to all of them - figuring if I was right about the ones who didn't seem that compatible, they'd be putting no down for me anyhow. The results so far are that one of the strong yeses also said yes to me, and one of the weak noes, whom I actually thought for sure wasn't going to be interested, also said yes. Looks like I've got a couple people to email. I think it's possible another match might come up in the next day or two, as someone might not have posted their responses yet, but I'm not counting on it.

I still have a free event code, from the second event I registered for also being cancelled, so I'll probably sign up for the 25-35 event in a couple weeks. And as I mentioned, supposedly I'm getting another free event code due to this one having an imbalance, so I can hang on to that and see how things go in the next few weeks.



( 8 have written — Write )
Jun. 29th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
I always hesitate to comment on these sort of things, for many reasons. However, something struck me this time that I can't ignore without pointing something out.

At one point you mention, "I recognize that I'm just not immediately attractive." You're welcome to take this or leave it. For men, confidence is a physical characteristic, whether you know it or not. I know some freakin hideous looking dudes, who are overweight, sloppy, lazy, or otherwise what I would consider not particularly desireable guys (not that I'm in the market for guys, but stick with me here). However, these guys never have problems finding a girlfriend or generally hanging out with women.

It's not your physical characteristics nearly as much as your confidence in yourself. I'm sure you've heard that a million times, but I really think it is the most significant component of being able to "appear attractive" to women. Men who act like they are the shit are far more likely to attract the ladies. This can obviously be overdone and is irritating as hell when you know they're quite shallow people behind the "mask".

However, that's no reason for someone who is not shallow, such as yourself, to lack confidence. Know that you're a worthwhile person to talk to, and act like it! Being outgoing is scary as hell - and believe me, I have been told many times I am a very outgoing guy, but it still scares the crap out of me sometimes.

As always, easier said than done, but sometime when your mind is blanking and you know your silence is awkward but you're afraid saying anything would be even more awkward, you just have to ignore that warning inside of you, smile, and say confidently, "Hey, how're you doing?" Forget that you don't know the person - just act like you're already best friends from the first instant. The worst that can happen is they aren't interested, and that just means time to move on; their loss.
Jun. 29th, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
here here
well put. and it has been said time and time again. I'm living proof of the overweight, sloppy, lazy guy who landed the Hottie wife. : ) but its cause I'm money... and I know it. and Phil, you're the big winner from the other night.
Jun. 30th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
Well, one can have an air of confidence, so in that sense it's a pseudo-physical characteristic. And I do feel I did pretty well with being confident and just talking to them - I really wasn't ever nervous, and although there were a couple awkward starts I just went right ahead with the obvious "so what do you do?" to get things moving. That said, I'm simply acknowledging that I'm not a handsome guy who's immediately attractive to most women, and so I expect it to be unusual that someone would choose to approach me first, that's all. The corollary is that if someone does choose to approach me first, I'd better pay special attention.
Jun. 29th, 2007 11:26 pm (UTC)
so when chatting you made no mention of this...
interesting.. good on ya! I'm so proud of you for going and being positive about the event and results, or you writing is getting better. :)

I'm thinking maybe had you told me all about it you'd have made the lj post not as interesting, so I understand. so email away bad boy. : )

any of them mention liking the Mariners? Ichiro!!
Jun. 30th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
Re: so when chatting you made no mention of this...
If we'd chatted longer I'd have gone into it, we just happened to have other things to discuss first, that's all. I'm sure I still would've written this post as is.
Jul. 1st, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
In NYC, after I lost 1/5 of my total body weight, I became physically attractive in a traditional sense, but I still didn't go on a lot of dates. I figured out at some point that I was sending out a vibe that if a particular guy wasn't the "real thing," he shouldn't bother. I wasn't interested in guys who thought they were The Shit, and I also wasn't interested in guys who actively pursued any single women who smiled at them. What I did appreciate were guys who were interested and passionate about a number of subjects. You totally have that going for you. In the end, I think that's what's going to help things click with other women: talking to them. You're good company!
Jul. 1st, 2007 06:32 am (UTC)
Update: I have emailed both of them, as of 7 pm this evening. Now to see whether they actually respond - the results were posted Thursday, not emailing until Saturday could be a mistake...
Jul. 1st, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
Women are used to "guy time." Emailing two days after the results is Flash-speed in guy time.
( 8 have written — Write )

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