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exasperated

Here's a fundamental part of my difficulties with work and finding work: I hate wasting time doing stupid things.

This is of course a totally ridiculous attitude. I do stupid and pointless things all the time, I waste time all over the place. But that's my choice, to spend my time as I see fit, and if I spend my time on activities that feel pointless and stupid, well I have no one to blame and no one to be exasperated with but myself—and often I will feel that way, particularly when I know I have other things that need doing.

If someone else is asking for my help, however, whether it's in the context of paid professional work or even just a favor for a friend, I will quickly get irritated if the task I've been asked to do seems to be pointless, redundant, or stupid—that is, a waste of time. Because I want to do the task well, and I put my time and thought into doing it; but if it turns out to be pointless or redundant or senseless, then… well part of it I guess is it makes me feel undervalued or unappreciated; I could be doing valuable work and instead I've been given a useless task. And part of it is that I feel thwarted in my efforts to do the task well; I set my mind to being helpful and doing a good job, only to discover that the job itself cannot be done well, because it doesn't make sense. 

That exasperation comes up even, or especially, if I'm getting paid to do work that turns out to be stupid. I should just be able to put that aside and get the work done, because hey, they're paying me to do it, but instead I fall into avoiding the work because it just irritates me so much to have to deal with it.

That exasperation is also one reason why I find it difficult to seek out more work. The process of tweaking my resume and sending out blind contacts to unknown people for job postings too often bears no results, which makes the whole thing feel stupid and pointless. Connect me with a real person who has a real task to do, and I'll gladly do it.

And now, having made my complaint, it's back to trying to complete this particular task…

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